I recently put my “Sex and the City” DVDs on while doing some work around the house, and was reminded of the two things about the show that — no matter how much else about it I loved (and there were plenty of things in that category) — that bother the daylights out of me every time I watch the show.
1. Almost Everything that Comes Out of Charlotte’s Mouth
Charlotte is a hard one for me throughout the course of the series, because while I appreciate the take that Kristin Davis expresses about her (that she ‘aims high’ and goes after what she wants), I find so much that she says and does really offensive and clinging to painfully frustrating sexist cliches — many of which I thought were completely dead until I moved to New York.
There are a few quotes in particular that stand out, and which — every time I hear — make me want to shake her until her teeth rattle. “It’s normal for the man to make more money!” (which is not actually true). And, “If you own and he rents, then the power structure is all off. It’s emasculating. That’s why I rent!” And, “Everybody needs a man!” Grrr.
2. Carrie’s Fiscal Irresponsibility
This, to me, is the bigger offense in the history of what was generally a very good show. While Charlotte pisses me off on a regular basis, my recent time in New York made it very clear to me that sexist cliches about women that I had always thought were long dead were, in fact (much to my horror), still very much alive. And while I may find them offensive and retrogressive, I can appreciate that as a character, Charlotte represents an archetype that (sadly) is still in existence.
Carrie’s bad financial habits, however, are another matter. What I find most aggravating of all is that there were points during the course of the six years the show was on the air that the topic did come up, and where it was at least acknowledged. Unfortunately the writers took the cowardly way out, and never actually dealt with the underlying issue directly. And because it is one that is a major, major issue for “successful” women, it’s something I find very sloppy in a show that spent so much time focusing on the things that impact women’s lives.
At the end of Carrie’s relationship with Aidan, she was faced with the prospect of being evicted from her apartment unless she could come up with the money to buy it. This was the only point during the series where her (bad) habit of racking up extensive credit card debt buying over-priced footwear was even acknowledged as something that went beyond irresponsible, but was out-right hazardous to her financial and personal stability. And in an uncharacteristic display of convenient fairytale writing, a year later she got a book deal that suddenly made her financially secure; and then she ultimately ended up with two different wealthy men, who took care of her, and made her financial bad habits non-issues.
I detest this cliche. And while I appreciate that there is a desire for fantasy that is a huge part of any show, this one bothers me simply because it is so destructive to women. While there are plenty of arguments to be made for the damage that women inflict on their own earning potential by opting-out of a career track to live on a Mommy-track instead, that is something that — while I don’t understand — at least is an actual choice. And while plenty of women may regret it later, the fact is that they make a choice to do what is best for their family in the moment, and in the end, they have to live with the results.
What is so insidious about the financial management question, though, is that so many women are still taught (either implicitly or explicitly) that they don’t need to worry about managing their own money. And that just makes me crazy. What is worse, is that in a country where less than 10% of all women make more than $100,000/year, so many of them still live paycheck to paycheck.
Now, to be fair, there are some environments that encourage that behavior more than others. And, in Carrie’s defense, New York City is probably the biggest offender. There is no city in this country that is more readily positioned to quietly absorb your money without you ever realizing what is happening than NYC. Want a cab home after a long day? No problem. Ten bucks. Want to grab some Chinese food instead of trying to cook in a ridiculously small and impractical kitchen? No problem. Ten bucks. Want a cute purse this street vendor is selling? No problem. Fifteen bucks. Want to go out with some friends after work? No problem. Ten to fifteen bucks per drink. And a Manhattan studio apartment (depending on the neighborhood) can commonly be counted on setting you back around $2500 per month — and that’s for rent! Before you know it, a $100k salary is gone and that’s even before you factor in ridiculous shoe-buying habits.
Now, let me be clear: I also have a weakness for shoes. I have over forty pairs, and take endless grief from my husband about them. I also have a rather ridiculous number of both hats and purses, which, frankly, are even bigger weaknesses for me than shoes. However, make no mistake: if you are spending $1000+ on a pair of shoes when you can’t pay off your debt and you have no savings/retirement, that IS irresponsible. Period.
In her very good book (with a positively insipid title), “Prince Charming Isn’t Coming,” author Barbara Stanny discusses the real danger to women who don’t take control of their finances: they end up at the mercy of the forces in their life that DO control the money — quite frequently a father or husband. But what happens when that person is no longer there? Or, worse yet, what happens if the person you were counting on to ‘protect you’ turns out to be the one from whom you need protection? I gave this book to my niece when she was 15 and told her to think very carefully about what she wanted her life to be like.
I’m a big fan of David Bach. The first book of his I read was, “Start Late, Finish Rich” (ironically, a Christmas gift from my father). But the book for which he is actually more well-known is “Smart Women Finish Rich.” One of the most valuable points he makes (and the one for which he’s become the most famous) is, what he calls, “the latte factor.” By that, he means those little nickle-and-dime things we spend money on that add up to significant amounts of lost money over time. They are the habits we don’t think about, but they are some of the things that hurt us the most. And whether your weakness is shoes, $4.00 lattes, bottled water, cigarettes, or (like me) never quite getting around to submitting expense reports (and ultimately having to eat expenses that would be reimbursable if you just got them in on time), it doesn’t matter. His point is that we all have some habit somewhere that is costing us more than we usually stop to acknowledge.
Penelope Trunk argues that it’s always wise to be a rock star at work, because it ensures more options and control over your life. I would go a step further and say that no matter how successful you may ever be at work, if you are letting your finances control you instead of the other way around, then you are a hamster on a wheel who is undermining her own success. And while this is certainly an issue for men as well as women (especially in NYC, where it is a pervasive problem), since professional women typically face a consistent and predictable list of obstacles when it comes to attaining success in the first place, it’s a simple case of shooting ourselves in the over-dressed foot.
I had a brief moment where I had been truly hopeful that the “Sex and the City” writers would actually show a theme of Carrie trying to cut back as she juggled two jobs and then worked to repay the loan she ended up taking from one of her best friends in order to buy her apartment. Sadly, the show disappointed me and did not revisit any of those points after showcasing the question in a single episode. And since Carrie’s spending habits never changed, I was ultimately disappointed that such a great opportunity to make a valuable point was neglected by a writing and production team that typically demonstrated such willingness to tackle all kinds of other difficult issues.
I love the Jimmy Choo store on Madison Avenue as much as the next shoe junkie. But there is something I love even more: having options. I don’t have to put up with a boss that I hate. I don’t have to pass up a great 24-hour sale on a vacation package that comes my way. I don’t have to lament needing to pass on a tremendous business opportunity that is presented to me. I can pack up, leave New York, and move half way across the country to Austin, TX without having a job lined up if I decide that’s what I want to do. The choice is mine. And no matter how good a pair of $1200 shoes could ever feel, they can’t ever compare to that freedom.
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